Thursday, November 29, 2012

Holding On and Letting Go: A Foundational Piece to TBI

It had been an idea in the back of my head all year long, to once again try my hand at selling on eBay. Motion would back this idea whenever I found something I could, “Flip on eBay”, as I called it. I would get excited, tuck away the treasure and then promptly forget about it!

At this writing I have 19 items listed in active auctions, this may be the most I’ve accomplished post-injuries. In preparation I unsubscribed from those ad messages we all get, but I never paid attention to how much brain bucks they extracted. I made sure I could focus solely on eBay.

Intentions being all well and good, here I am, almost at the end of one set of auctions ending and I am exhausted. I don’t mean a little run down, I mean flat out, daily naps are never under 3 hours! Oh yes, and let us not forget the nightmares. Interesting combination, eh? I am now beginning to wonder if overdoing it = nightmares. Curious question I’ll continue to explore.

I am not getting anything else done at all. Mornings, Richard takes care of the chores because I’m sleeping. Ugh! Calgon, take me away! :) LOL!

The fact I was once successful selling on eBay, a whole lot faster, etc., is a mute point. That was all pre-TBI. Just like this is a different fiscal economy than when I first started on eBay, my own brain economy has changed too.

I did that thing Pema Chodron mentions about asking ourselves how comfortable I was/am doing this? Not at all. My spirit disappeared to wherever spirits go when we compromise ourselves, add in the low energy cycle, the lingering images of nightmares, and I begin making mistakes…as if I weren’t slow enough to start with!

I forget this is why I couldn’t work. I’ll be damned, I STILL have a brain injury! LOL! I can maintain something short-term, but long-term, no go. I might have four good hours a day to get everything done, chores, etc.

Not even one week’s worth of auctions and my brain has left the station! On one hand, it is really good practice for me, I consider it my own Occupational Therapy, but, consistently making mistakes and my spiritual self vacating indicate this isn’t the most ideal path. I could muddle through, trying to ‘make’ myself do this, but I can’t do it.

Success without mistakes is pretty rare, but boy, when it’s there, my gosh, it feels unbelievably good! So, for now, I let go of what I can’t do and focus on what I can. I like helping and giving, so will focus on that. I need a place where my spirit is free…and I can just go back to reading and writing blogs and encourage all the souls I meet along the way.

So for now, I let go of the notion of selling on eBay as I had hoped. One more thing to let go of, but this path of TBI, to successfully navigate and live each day well, requires that. I figure I’ll sell the items that need the eBay audience, but, other things. Well, it’s time to let go of that. Not all letting go is bad…in fact, maybe none of it is bad.

Thanks for listening! :)

No comments: