Thursday, December 6, 2012

Anniversary, Traumaversary or Survivorversary

I swore I wouldn't blog about this, but as much as I tried to avoid it yesterday, the little wounded heart and brain both said, "It was 10 years ago today...and we still hurt."

Ten years ago yesterday another unfortunate set of circumstances unleashed an emotional, psychological and fiscal avalanche. I got fired. I worked for people who were at one time close friends, I even attended their family gatherings on the holidays.

I imagine there are a lot of things that happen in life that we just accept and move on with, there may never be real healing...

They said they felt God was preparing me for the ministry.
I wondered if that was so, why didn't God tell me first?

They said they felt I was being squelched there.
I was shaking and thinking to myself, "I just bought my first house...and...the holidays, the holidays..."

I told them I'd gone to a Bible study just the night before and the topics were ironically Surrender and Obedience, and that was what I chose to do here.
She said, "Oh don't you go being nice or anything."

Wow.

I kept myself together, telling them it would be okay.
They asked me what THEY should tell the patients. I thought it was none of my business and quietly said, "I don't know."

They helped me move the last weekend in October to my new home, her entire extended family helped. I attended their family Thanksgiving, less than two weeks later, on December 5, I was fired?!

I never understood any of this. People would ask me what happened and I said I didn't know. They'd always say, "But they have to give you a reason for being fired." I'd just shrug my shoulders.

Years later, at the Brain Injury rehab center I was talking with the Social Worker. We broached this situation and I told her what I've shared here. She said the reason why I hadn't processed it was because it threw me into survival mode, and, she summed up that "it was personal."

To add insult to injury, years later, in sworn deposition, my ex-boss said I was fired due to performance, a relationship breakup and, Willful Insubordination.'

Wow.

So maybe some things never get healed, or wrapped up in a nice tiny package for presentation. Maybe it's our job, or our calling, to make the best out of the hand we've been dealt.

It was an emotionally dark day yesterday, I was quite out of sorts...and then...a thought came to mind. What if...instead of this being a day associated with an enormous amount of pain, betrayal, etc., what if, I consciously chose to plant acts of kindness instead?

I started thinking, what if I decided to do something as simple as writing a thank you note to someone? That was kind of a neat shift in thinking and for some reason, Deepak Chopra's phrase of "Imagine smiling with every cell in your body" seems to be on instant replay in my brain! I can have dark and gloomy or happy cells! :)

Nothing can change the past, it's best to feel the hurts, express emotions in a healthy way and try, even in the smallest of ways, to create a beautiful life for ourselves in this moment. Who knows, we might just be on this planet for some time and find the tools we needed for a good life, and getting ourselves unstuck, were right here inside of us all along.

In some circles people use the term 'Traumaversary" and I could never adopt that word. Maybe we'd do ourselves and our world a favor and think or say, "Hey, it was on that day I became a survivor!"

2 comments:

Eugene Hollander said...

You were fired for "performance, a relationship breakup and, Willful Insubordination", they never gave you this reason when you were let go? Sorry to hear that, did the friendship end along with your job?

ResilientHeart said...

Thank you for your comments, Eugene.

No, they never did give me a reason and I wrote them this past summer (included WA State law that says they HAVE to tell me). They never replied.

I would imagine if they were to give a reason it would indicate they lied as those are quite different 'reasons'.

Sadly the friendship was another casualty of TBI.

Thanks again for stopping by.