Wednesday, July 24, 2013

It Takes Remarkable Talent…

To potentially give myself WHIPLASH by falling while walking up a hill.  I know, I know…it’s admirable, I’m sure if we made it an Olympic sport I would score high on both choreography and technicality.  I can tell you’re all green with envy, LOL!  Yeah, not only can I feel like a klutz, but seriously, falling while going uphill?!

OMG…so, I went to the Chiropractor and Doctor today to figure out why in the heck my neck won’t respond to ice, prescribed muscle relaxer, hand held massager, stretching, Tiger Balm, etc.  I think
I’ve done everything BUT drag out the jack hammer.  The Chiropractor found I was really, really out of alignment, so that got all fixed and I go back tomorrow morning for another checkup.

Before the Doctor came in I joked with the nurse that I'm feeling WAY too much like Humpty Dumpty, she laughed!  :)

The Doctor took x-rays because I’m fearful I did more damage to my already compromised cervical discs, he said it’s a good chance this is whiplash…I know…you should have seen my expression! 

There did not appear to be new damage, but this is the reason why nothing is working, he said I need to rest and be patient.  I laughed and told him I was going to be released from Physical Therapy one week from today and now I don’t know if that’s going to happen.  He said he would write a referral if one was needed.

Oh, and since I’m in a wild hair kind of mood I have to tell you what happened at the Doctor’s office.  The Doctor told me Derek, a tall man I’d met before, would be coming in to give me a shot of anti-inflammatory meds I’d agreed to.  So I waited and waited and waited.

Finally a woman comes in with a syringe and Band-Aid and tells me I need to have the shot in my hindquarters [my word, not hers].

I told her she didn’t look at all like Derek and she replied, “Oh that’s because he’s a little behind.”  I laughed at the pun she didn’t know she’d made and she laughed too.  I thought it was hilarious!  At least he’s not a big one.  LOL!  ;)

You know it’s a good day when you find humor in the end…LOL!  :)  Tee hee hee

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Loss and Brain Injury: One more layer of letting go

I’ve been offline quite a bit recently, just going through the motions of preparing for a move and taking items to our local auctioneer, resting more than usual, and icing my neck and shoulder.  I fell last week…so have been in a decent amount of pain and immobility since. 

Having no place to yet move to makes this a challenge while in the waiting and I’m restless for the pain and fatigue to subside.  I’m hoping to get in to see the chiropractor tomorrow to see what I might have done to my neck.

On the gratitude side, however, I am grateful.  Grateful for chiropractic, I’m enjoying the benefit of being able to get not only Occupational and Speech Therapy, thanks to my insurance, but Physical Therapy too.  (You can read a bit about my first interaction with therapy folks here, starting in the second paragraph.  I’m beyond grateful for the healers of this world.) 

PT is new to me, but wow, what a huge lesson that perhaps a life of ongoing pain may not be necessary!  I am a bit bummed with this new injury as the progress and painlessness were quite lovely.  I think I get too accustomed to pain and figure it’s just a part of life.  Perhaps a bigger lesson, maybe life itself need not be so painful.

Growing up with domestic violence I house sat A LOT to get out of the insanity.  It was a great strategy for survival, and, it was fortunate I worked at a private tennis club that, at the time, the boss didn’t mind my posting ads in the locker rooms for housesitting jobs.  People knew and trusted me.  The good side of it was getting out of the house, the bad side; I was being extremely nomadic and burned out.

I’ve often said I hate moving but have to wonder where my flexibility is in that type of thinking.  I have only one handwritten quote on my wall calendar and it says, “Resisting life causes suffering.” – Pema Chodron.  Wise words.

I’m letting go of a lot of material possessions again, I feel like I’m on the Titanic trying to keep it from sinking.  If you’ve followed this blog I questioned often why it is people with Traumatic Brain Injuries have to lose everything, and, if that is the case, why fight so hard if you’ll lose it all in the end anyway?  But I also know having stuff doesn’t equal having security, and, this new injury reminds me of all my grand limitations. 

Every day I ask myself how am I managing my life and my responsibilities.  But now, life becomes a series of questions about where to move, what will I be able to afford and maintain on my own?

My joke lately is the bummer about being on Disability is you end up taking a vow of poverty without the benefit of a monastery and your meals being taken care of!  I guess, just like the animals at the no-kill animal shelter, I’m looking for a forever home. 

Seriously though, I have to consider letting my two horses go too.  Having horses has always been a big thing and I really thought I’d lose Sadie in the process earlier on.  I’ve had her since she was two years old!  She’s sixteen now, so it’d be a challenge I don’t want to face.  My other horse, rescued from a horse trainer who rescued her, she’s a sweetheart, but, she’s been roughly manhandled by said horse ‘trainer’ and she can be a handful.  I know I probably kept her from the slaughter and maybe that’s the best I can do for her…I don’t know. 

But who am I to expect anything?  I’m no better than anyone else.  I don’t ‘deserve’ better as I’ve often heard…because you know I’ll make a joke out of that too.  LOL, if I do deserve better, why hasn’t it happened already?!  Life is what it is; some of it because of our choices, and some of it is simply life.

Measure thy life by loss and not by gain.
Not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured forth.
For love’s strength standeth in love’s sacrifice.
And He who suffers most has most to give.

                                                                                        ~ Ugo Bassi

Monday, July 15, 2013

The Memorial on May 4, 2013

Richard and I arrived at the church about an hour before the memorial was scheduled to begin; the volunteer coordinator would be meeting us there.  We arrived and the volunteer coordinator met us in the kitchen, shortly after the pastor came in and introduced himself. 

For whatever reason, the pastor didn’t look us in the eyes and that felt pretty creepy!  He apparently didn’t hear me say Richard’s last name and he got him confused with my brother coming from Arkansas.  So yes, we were hitting it off on the wrong foot.  Oh joy, oh bliss.

The pastor showed us the library where we could have some ‘family time’ while we wait for everyone else to be seated and the service start.  LOL, you know I love the idea of family time!  As awkward as ever, at least we’re consistent! 

Religious Heart and his son arrived early to prepare for the service, my nephew would read Scripture and my brother would say a few words about Dad.  So, Richard and I sat in the library by ourselves for the longest time.  Eventually Reluctant Heart and Religious Heart and son joined us.  We sat in that strange, quiet, surface conversation not knowing each other well enough to know what to say to each other.  Yeah, we grew up in the same house but that’s about where any similarities end. 

Not many people came to the service, I suppose when you get to be that age more of your friends have passed on than are alive.  Finally we were brought into the sanctuary and were seated.  Reluctant Heart brother was there, but Rebel Heart wasn’t.  Rebel Heart came in late and sat behind us.
I tried not to, but cried anyway and could hear Rebel Heart crying behind me.  The service was nice, afterwards was the coffee and cookie gathering…with my family everything seems to be extremely awkward. 

People came up to me and thanked me for writing such a touching memorial on the back of the program, I told them I didn’t do it, my Sister-in-Law did.  There was no way I could have written something as nice as she did, I just didn’t have it in me.  The service wasn’t about me or Dad really, it was a service for the people who remain.

Family asked if we were going to go out to eat and I said I didn’t know.  Reluctant Heart expressed a need to go back to work.  Yes, you read that right. 

Rebel Heart stayed a short time with his relatively new girlfriend; it was the first time she and I met.  She went to pull out a chair like she wanted to sit down and visit and Rebel Heart said they needed to leave, LOL.

There really wasn’t much else that happened worth mentioning, Richard and I were very glad it was all over.  I did find out later the woman who had been my best friend in junior high through high school  was inquiring if I had gone to the memorial or not.  She even wrote me.  Apparently she was hurt I didn’t invite her.  I wasn’t much for company anyway.  She and I have been out of touch for years, and no, I don’t consider a form letter at Christmas as staying in touch!  Sometimes one just has to let things fall apart that no longer serve him or her in the path to self-care.

It has taken me some time to be able to be settled and peaceful enough to get this written…Richard and I have split up so I’m kind of freaking out about housing and the future.