Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Loss and Brain Injury: One more layer of letting go

I’ve been offline quite a bit recently, just going through the motions of preparing for a move and taking items to our local auctioneer, resting more than usual, and icing my neck and shoulder.  I fell last week…so have been in a decent amount of pain and immobility since. 

Having no place to yet move to makes this a challenge while in the waiting and I’m restless for the pain and fatigue to subside.  I’m hoping to get in to see the chiropractor tomorrow to see what I might have done to my neck.

On the gratitude side, however, I am grateful.  Grateful for chiropractic, I’m enjoying the benefit of being able to get not only Occupational and Speech Therapy, thanks to my insurance, but Physical Therapy too.  (You can read a bit about my first interaction with therapy folks here, starting in the second paragraph.  I’m beyond grateful for the healers of this world.) 

PT is new to me, but wow, what a huge lesson that perhaps a life of ongoing pain may not be necessary!  I am a bit bummed with this new injury as the progress and painlessness were quite lovely.  I think I get too accustomed to pain and figure it’s just a part of life.  Perhaps a bigger lesson, maybe life itself need not be so painful.

Growing up with domestic violence I house sat A LOT to get out of the insanity.  It was a great strategy for survival, and, it was fortunate I worked at a private tennis club that, at the time, the boss didn’t mind my posting ads in the locker rooms for housesitting jobs.  People knew and trusted me.  The good side of it was getting out of the house, the bad side; I was being extremely nomadic and burned out.

I’ve often said I hate moving but have to wonder where my flexibility is in that type of thinking.  I have only one handwritten quote on my wall calendar and it says, “Resisting life causes suffering.” – Pema Chodron.  Wise words.

I’m letting go of a lot of material possessions again, I feel like I’m on the Titanic trying to keep it from sinking.  If you’ve followed this blog I questioned often why it is people with Traumatic Brain Injuries have to lose everything, and, if that is the case, why fight so hard if you’ll lose it all in the end anyway?  But I also know having stuff doesn’t equal having security, and, this new injury reminds me of all my grand limitations. 

Every day I ask myself how am I managing my life and my responsibilities.  But now, life becomes a series of questions about where to move, what will I be able to afford and maintain on my own?

My joke lately is the bummer about being on Disability is you end up taking a vow of poverty without the benefit of a monastery and your meals being taken care of!  I guess, just like the animals at the no-kill animal shelter, I’m looking for a forever home. 

Seriously though, I have to consider letting my two horses go too.  Having horses has always been a big thing and I really thought I’d lose Sadie in the process earlier on.  I’ve had her since she was two years old!  She’s sixteen now, so it’d be a challenge I don’t want to face.  My other horse, rescued from a horse trainer who rescued her, she’s a sweetheart, but, she’s been roughly manhandled by said horse ‘trainer’ and she can be a handful.  I know I probably kept her from the slaughter and maybe that’s the best I can do for her…I don’t know. 

But who am I to expect anything?  I’m no better than anyone else.  I don’t ‘deserve’ better as I’ve often heard…because you know I’ll make a joke out of that too.  LOL, if I do deserve better, why hasn’t it happened already?!  Life is what it is; some of it because of our choices, and some of it is simply life.

Measure thy life by loss and not by gain.
Not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured forth.
For love’s strength standeth in love’s sacrifice.
And He who suffers most has most to give.

                                                                                        ~ Ugo Bassi

4 comments:

On The Way said...

Sending you huge love, strength and peace at this time of uncertainty and movement.
I am grateful for your gratitude, you remind me to be grateful for all I have too...
Take care dear one. x

ResilientHeart said...

Thanks so much, your kind words shine in my heart like sunshine in the midst of a dark storm. I'm grateful for you. :) Hugs.

On The Way said...

I think perhaps wordpress is Junking my comments on your other version of the blog, but I am here, thinking of you. xx

ResilientHeart said...

Gosh, I don't know what's up with WP then, maybe demon monkeys have invaded and swallowed your comments.

Hugs dear one, thank you kindly for your sweet support. You're one in a million! :)