Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Along Came the PTSD Fairy

I feel like I’ve been in suspend mode since last week when my counselor dispelled some information I wasn’t at all prepared for.  It wasn’t anything from my past or really anything of major concern, it did, however shock the socks off me.  It had something to do with one of my care providers not being honest with me, possibly playing games, or whatever.  The reality hit me hard.

I don’t need a name for it; I did know I needed to stop it and remove myself from harm.  So, I canceled my appointments with said providers and I’m not going back to that clinic as I do not feel comfortable being in the same space with that person.  ‘Tis a bummer because it was beneficial, but learning what I did, changed how I view all that.  Harming and healing cannot coexist in the same space.

I got depressed, even had suicidal thoughts.  I couldn’t sleep and then I couldn’t get up in the morning for days.  Not a good thing for an injured brain, I really, really need routine…and, things are about to shake up with moving too.  I couldn’t concentrate, my attention was all over the map, and then I got overwhelmed and felt like I had nowhere to turn.

So, I talked about it with trusted friends, did research online, chatted with RAINN, yup, it was exactly what I suspected and the triggering was all in all, quite normal.  What to do with it is still unknown, I feel like I’ve got a lot on my plate and have to be mindful of time.

This is a small town, gossip travels faster than wildfire and if you’re new here, you’ll be looked at as the one at fault.  I know, kind of sucks, I think we all know abuse will thrive when people choose to be silent.

I lost the momentum I had for healing, so feel a little delayed and under the gun to get things done in a timely manner.

The apartment is available and could be mine soon, so that’s the most important thing right now.  For those who don’t know, or haven’t experienced this yet, once you’re below a certain income level you suddenly feel stripped of dignity and privacy.  Strangers now know far more about you than you’d want, and let’s not forget the government needing to dig into one’s affairs.  It’s humbling and heartbreaking beyond belief.  Rarely have I gotten help that didn’t end up costing a lot more than I ever would have imagined.  I have a huge list of paperwork to prepare for the apartment manager.
Good news is there’s rent assistance so maybe things will work out okay.

On the other hand, I’m concerned about receiving an inheritance from Dad’s estate in the next four to six months.  Would that mean I’d get kicked out because I will be receiving that lump sum?  I don’t know if it’s considered ‘income’ or whatever, but I would really hate to move and then have to move again soon after.  That would be pretty harsh…and it’s not so easy to move fitness equipment from place to place!

We’ll see how this goes; I’m taking it one step at a time.  Sometimes, one breath at a time.


Riversurfer said...

How is things working out with the move?

How are you doing? I'm worried, although when I read your post I'm confident that you DO take one step at the time and are mindful with your time.

Sending you lots of support and strength, lots of love to you my friend!

ResilientHeart said...

Hi dear Riversurfer, I am getting back on my feet again. The PTSD sent me into a tailspin and ended with a dark, deep depression.

I am feeling better today and have to get myself going, OMG! I haven't moved yet, but that is coming quickly.

Thank you so much for your support, strength and love, you're making a huge difference in my life.

A hundredfold of support, strength, and love back to you dear friend. :)